So You Hate Your Business Partner. Now What?

As a therapist for business partners, it’s not uncommon for me to have people to show up to my office ready to walk away from a profitable business because they hate each other so much. Just like in marriage counseling, often business partners have been suffering for years in bad communication, unhealthy dynamics, and pent-up resentment before they seek help (though unlike marriage counseling, the number of therapists who can help them is much more limited).

I don’t know your situation, so I can’t tell you what to do (and even if I did know your situation, the only ones who can decide what to do are you and your partner - so it’s rare for me to ever tell someone what to do). But the first step to dealing with your hatred of your business partner is to remember that you have options. You are not stuck, and here are some options.

Your first option, of course, is some version of leaving - either you or them. Cut your losses and just go. Or find a mediator or attorneys, get a valuation for the company, find some financing and get your partner to buy you out or you buy your partner out. Depending on how much hatred is between you, this version can be very fast or very drawn-out and expensive. You can also sell the business, essentially both leaving. Life is very short, and spending the bulk of it with people you hate is not a great way to live it.

The second option is to kill the business. I heard a quote by Marc Andreessen, the venture capitalist, recently: “More startups die by suicide than homicide,” and that’s this option - a successful business can end because partners don’t get along. If you wait long enough in a dynamic where you hate your business partner, you may both “commit suicide” on behalf of the business by acting out your dislike for each other on your employees or customers - then the company will die, because no one wants to be around owners who hate each other or to suffer the consequences of their bad behavior.

Then there’s a third option: Work on not hating your business partner. Take 100% responsibility for your own behavior, learn to ask for what you want, and see what happens. You and your business partner are part of a system. By changing yourself, your business partner will likely change, too. Start treating your business partner like someone you care about, whose well-being is inextricably tied to your own, as though they are a unique and valuable person who could leave you at any time and is totally irreplaceable - because that’s often the truth. And often when you become impeccable in your own communication and behavior, without worrying about what the other person is doing and giving them time to trust the changes you are making in yourself, you will be amazed by the positive ways they change in response.

One of the very hard things about having a business partner is the vulnerability that comes from having a business partner, and all the horrible things it reveals about yourself. So sometimes it’s easier to hate the person that’s inspiring all the dark and shadowy parts of you to come out. Part of what therapy and executive advising for business partners does is help you both to learn how to manage yourselves better as individuals and work together as partners. You’re never stuck. And if you need help figuring it out, contact me here.